Clarity

The word to meditate on for today is Clarity.

When I look back at the events of the last days, I realize again how important clarity is. Clarity of the mind. Clarity in social relations. It was confusion and obscurity which resulted in the tragedy that happened. Now, more than ever, clarity is needed or else we will descend into intolerable chaos.

Today I met with Cedrien after checking on Sandrielle. She is recovering well from her injuries. Fortunately for her, they were not particularly serious. Her prone position during the firefight, and the light ballistic armor she wore, protected her from the worst. Cedrien's injuries are far deeper, although not physical. It is obvious that they will take longer to heal.

In the past he often confided with me. This time, he has closed himself. I advised him to look at the situation from a detached perspective. As investigation turned out, Nevire Chatal was working as a marshal for the Gallente Federation, hunting fugitive criminals and collecting bounties. With this profession her eventual violent death was a likely occurrence. To the clear mind this is an obvious conclusion. In my view, he could be thankful that he was given the opportunity to share time with this woman, who meant so much to him, before she came to an end. I decided against mentioning that, though. Despite his professional attitude, his feelings run deep, like they do often for the Gallente.

Speaking of strong emotions. I also spent time with Alira. We are still busy rebuilding several levels of the station after the damage caused by the suicide attack of the Scions. She has taken it on herself to supervise the work, and I have contributed to the reconstruction from the beginning. Now, she has redoubled her efforts, probably to divert her mind from that which burdens it. Like Cedrien, she will not talk about her feelings to me, but her way to deal with them is vastly different.

One does not need the training of Sandrielle to come to conclusions about her. Like most Minmatar people she tends to be very direct in expressing her strong feelings. In this particular case she is channeling them into something that she is passionate about – a very useful quality. While Cedrien borders dangerously on depression, her way is to kindle the Sebiestor's habitual brilliance with technology.

It reminded me of the day the attack occurred. It was clear that she was gripped by fear and panic like many others. Yet, her mind reacted quickly, spurred on by this strong impulse. Under this pressure she managed to quickly devise a scheme to link up a ship's hull repair system to the station's integrity control. Eventually, the nanomachines of the hull-repair module acted like a body's immune system and destroyed the nanites which had been released by the religious fanatics.

Yet, it is not clarity of the mind which informs her decisions. It is more like an instinct. She is therefore missing a crucial realization and will most likely be finding herself in similar situations due to a lack of clear analysis. I tried to make her understand that in a shared moment of conversation, but I am not the best with words, and she is not the best in accepting viewpoints she does not intuitively grasp.

I will return to my work now and record more of my thoughts later.

***

It is now late at night, and I have concluded my meditations. Before I go to sleep, I wanted to record what has come to me as a result. I realized that clarity is not achieved from a state of obscurity, not without being familiar with that condition. In my upbringing and training I have never been taught otherwise than living and acting by clear guidelines. My conclusion therefore is, that I need to share my observations with someone who is familiar with both states of mind. I know only one person who fits that description.

***

Sandrielle remained silent in thought for several minutes after she finished listening to the recording. Shisei sat on a chair next to her sickbay bed with an unreadable expression on his face, yet she could feel his expectation. With a wince she pulled herself up into a sitting position. The lacerations in her right arm and leg were still hurting when she used her muscles. At least the throbbing dullness of the pain held the promise of imminent recovery.

'You are very concerned about Cedrien.' she finally stated.

'He is our leader, and if he loses his direction, then we all will.' Shisei replied.

Sandrielle slowly shook her head with an almost amused expression. 'Duplicity in thought and expression comes easily to many Gallente.' she looked directly at the Achura scientist. 'It does not fit you, though.' her tone changed to more soft quality 'In all your observations about others you forgot to admit that Cedrien is a personal friend to you.' she observed. 'The clarity you speak of would dictate that you face that feeling.'

Shisei swallowed and an ever-so-slight flinch quirked his features, indicating that she had been spot-on. 'If you say so.' he retorted defensively.

Sandrielle displayed an expression of emphatic earnestness on her face. 'What Cedrien is facing, is the burden of an unresolved past. This is the reason why I suggested he should venture outside to confront it.' she took a long breath and released it with a sigh 'This way, I became the unwilling catalyst for this most extreme outcome.'

The narrow eyes of the older man lit up slightly at this statement. 'Tell me, how did you come to the decision to hide like you did, and eventually face with Nevire in the shuttle-bay?' he asked her directly.

'Now that's the Caldari incisiveness I'd expect from you.' she smiled tiredly and continued with a sober voice 'Cedrien sent me a message before he returned. He was obviously beside himself about having met this old lover of his and informed me that he wanted to bring her back with him.'

Sandrielle pressed her lips together when she reminisced with a somber mien. 'I ran her ID, found out who she worked with. Cedrien was obviously too distracted to even consider doing so. I suspected she might come for either me or Keram. However, it turned out that Keram's bounty can only be collected from Imperial authorities. They would not admit a Gallente marshal. The conclusion was obvious, so I decided to remove myself from the picture but keep an eye out.'

'Then why confront her at all?' Shisei inquired further.

Sandrielle shrugged 'Call it curiosity. Honestly, I did not expect her to be good enough to even see through my ruse. Obviously I was wrong.'

'Now it is you who is not open about her feelings.' The observation resulted in a slow nod from her.

'It was clear to me that she was using Cedrien.' Sandrielle replied. 'I felt the need to make sure she could not do any real damage to him.' a sad look appeared on her face. 'I am afraid, I only made things worse by my misguided actions.'

'So we both personally care about Cedrien.' Shisei stated the obvious.

'So does Alira, as a matter of fact.' the Gallente woman shook her head. 'Yet we all ended up making things worse.'

Shisei nodded slowly 'I think I know now what has to be done.'

Sandrielle quirked a brow 'You do?'

Slowly he inclined his head once. 'Cedrien needs to understand, that the people who care for him and love him most are right here with him. That there is no reason to dwell on the past. That he needs to live in the present.' He got up and displayed a rare smile 'I think it is time for me now to do something that is informed by my feelings, but I have the necessary clarity to do it right.'

'I hope you do, for his and for our sake.' Sandrielle wished when he prepared to leave.